The Feeling of Feeling

Nick Chopper made his living felling timber. It was a family trade. Nick had a simple life and a sweetheart that he wanted to marry. He was a good looking dude. Square jaw, stubble, smelled like cedar and probably a red/black plaid shirt. You know the lumberjack type. The story gets a little complicated here. Nick's axe gets enchanted by a witch and the axe begins chopping off Nick's limbs in a murderous twist to prevent his marriage. Fortunately, Nick was friends with a tinsmith that was able to provide some prosthetic limbs for his buddy. Also, Nick was the full package. So even with a few bum limbs his sweetheart Nimmie was still down for this marriage thing. Then the axe deals the final blow robbing Nick of the one thing Nimmie can't live without. His kind and loving heart. Nimmie eventually loses interest and moves on. Nick is now just a sad dude made of tin. He becomes known as The Tin Woodman of Oz (Tin Man for short) and that is where things really started getting weird for Nick.

I'll save you the boring details but he hooks up with this ruby-slippered chick, a scarecrow and a lion. They go on this philosophical journey with flying monkeys, an oddly synced Pink Floyd soundtrack (mind blown) and dropping a house on a witch. The chick is constantly faced with the classic head vs. heart debate. Luckily she doesn't have to choose because she has both sides accompanying her for the entire journey. A constant undercurrent where neither side convinces the other. A truly wild ride. If I can think of the name of the movie I'll get back with you.

Lately, I've felt like the old Tin Man. I haven't seen any flying monkeys (yet) but the journey to find a heart capable of living this life seems oddly familiar.

I've always prided myself in the past on being even-keeled. Almost to a fault I've never soared too high or dipped too low with my emotions. Incredibly frustrating for people that have bought me thoughtful gifts and are looking for a big reaction. Great for sad movies and gut-wrenching social situations though! That was before. This is now.

For months Jordan and I have been on this roller coaster of emotions. This roller coaster was designed by a sadistic creep. It has these huge ups. The ones where the roller coaster makes that odd sound (tick, tick, tick) and jerks you back and forth as you climb. Climbing high with no end in sight. We have these big dumb grins on our faces, high fiving each other thinking this is our life now. Then boom. A down. A screaming down with twists, g-force turns and loops.

The weirdest thing about this roller coaster ride though is that there isn't that nice flat breezy coast to the finish. We haven't been able to hop off, go buy a corndog and wander around the park. This damn thing just keeps going. All ups and all downs! Where are the flat straightaways that I've become so emotionally comfortable with over the years?

When you ride the same roller coaster for too long your neck gets sore, your gut just isn't right (not the corndogs fault) and you just get exhausted. The ups and downs are still there but you start running out of smiles and tears.

I have these moments where I feel like I'm outside of myself. Like life is happening to me and around me but I'm not participating. I go from being fully engaged in a conversation that I am so happy to be having to Charlie Brown teacher zone out mode in the blink of an eye. Wah-wah-wah-wah is all I'm hearing over here. Some moments I'm just a shell of myself. I hate typing that. It is the exact opposite of being present and mindful. This is a constant battle for those on this twisted and sick roller coaster.

The Avett Brothers took a break from writing songs about all the pretty girls in North Carolina to craft a gem that inspired me to talk about this. I'll end things with a few lines from their song Tin Man:

"I used to fill the sky around

With happiness and joy

I had news to give the wind

To keep my sails and heart employed

I felt people move around me

I felt loneliness and shame

Back then every day was different

Now each moment is the same"

-Brack

We recently had some awesome family photos taken and this is one of my favorites!