"Sick in the Head"

My memories are a little fuzzy. I don't do so well with remembering the name of my fifth-grade teacher or what I got for my birthday two years ago. I recently told someone that a mutual friend used to sing Opera and that was completely wrong. Details aren't my strong suit. I've got some super strong memories though that are tied to these anchors. The anchors being songs, melodies, lyrics, a beat or the distinct sound of a weathered folk singer. Music has always transported me to another place and some of my most distinct memories are entangled in music.

This is weird because I have the musical talent of a rock. I clap on the wrong beat (drives Jordan mad), I can't match pitch and I absolutely stink at drums, piano and guitar (I know because I've tried). Music has always been a companion though on all my strange journeys in life.

My first cassette tape I remember owning was Tom Petty's (RIP) Full Moon Fever ("Zombie Zoo" is a total sleeper track). I absolutely wore it out. My first CD purchases were Stone Temple Pilot's (RIP Scott Weiland) Plush and Blind Melon's (RIP Shannon Hoon) self-titled debut. I bought them at the mall! Do those even exist anymore? My first vinyl album was Pearl Jam's (Eddie Vedder still going strong baby) Vitalogy and was a gift from my uncle. I could go on for days how tracks from those albums instantly transport me back to a place long gone. Sweet sweet teenage angst and the awkwardness of youth are forever wrapped in the songs from those albums.

It isn't just music to me. There have always been raw and real emotions tied to it. It means something. I think it is a big reason why I like talking/sharing music so much. I love seeing someones face light up when they enjoy a song that is already tucked away in the back of my head. I love it when I'm sharing an experience with someone and a great song comes on. I know that moment will forever be saved for me and cued up the next time I hear that song. A new anchor. Some of my favorite anchors are ones that tie me to others that I care about.

I've had two big, rusty, salty and barnacle covered anchors dropped into my memory in the last year or so that I will share.

I first heard the song "Sleep on the Floor" by the Lumineers in April of 2016. I was in my kitchen making dinner after a long day at work. I was completely disillusioned with myself at the time. I had lost my zeal for teaching. Something that I was certain I wanted to do and knew that I loved deep down. I hated getting out of bed in the morning. My family suffered from my misery. I had already resigned from my position in Georgia with no job lined up and this hair-brained idea that I was going to move my family to Oregon. I had no real plans but knew something had to change for my own sanity and for my family. I heard "Sleep on the Floor", shared it with Jordan and it immediately became our theme song. We sang it a hundred times over the next couple of months. The very first time we ever drove into the Gorge we blasted that song and I instantly knew we were home. Something that has been confirmed over and over again.

The song came on Pandora recently. I was in the shower and getting ready for work. I wept uncontrollably. After the song finished I turned off the music and just sat in the hot shower. I couldn't even stand as I thought about what that song has meant to Jordan and I and all that has happened since we landed in our new home. That was a fun day at work!

Pearl Jam's "Better Man" has been swimming around in my head since I was a teenager. It is on the B side of that vinyl album my uncle bought me. I remember singing along with two college buddies after we snuck down to the nice seats at their concert in Atlanta. When you sing along with Pearl Jam there is usually some mumbling because Eddie Vedder doesn't even always know what he is saying. The song has popped up in all sorts of places in my life and is tied to all sorts of anchors.

Those Pearl Jam anchors were smashed by another really large bully anchor in June. Jordan, I and the kids were camping in the backyard of our new home in Parkdale. We had abandoned our real camping trip that we were on because of mosquitos and were making it up to the kids in the backyard. We also didn't own any furniture at the time so camping in the backyard seemed pretty logical. It was a beautiful crisp and clear night. We had a fire going and were roasting marshmallows for the kiddos. As the evening wound down Jordan had decided that she wanted to tell the kids about her tumor. We had just found out a few days before and had been debating on how to tell them. Jordan had to be the one because I was a complete coward and wouldn't have been able to. I sat there under this perfect sky as Jordan and my kids began to process what would be our new reality. I floated in and out of this conversation because it felt like a dream. I viciously fought back tears (which seems completely ridiculous now) and all I could manage was to let a kid sit in my lap and bitterly stare at the sky. As we sat there "Better Man" played faintly in the background.

If I'm being honest I forgot about this moment. It had been pushed out of my head by all the other craziness of the last six months. That is until I heard "Better Man" last week in my car. I was instantly in the backyard again. I could smell the campfire and taste my salty tears. I had to pull over. I just sat there like an idiot on the side of the road. The song finished, I deleted it off of my iPod and continued my drive home from work with misty eyes and complete silence from the car stereo.

On December 20th, Jordan and I return to OHSU for her next MRI scan and results. We will spend the day sitting, waiting, hoping and wishing. We will have an awkward lunch in between appointments. The day will be clunky. We will make small talk and I'll make stupid jokes in an attempt to make myself feel better. Neither one of us will know what to truly say or think. There will be lots of heavy sighs. I'll bring a book and not open it. We will have to ask the Dr. to repeat himself at least once. We will get news. We will struggle in our heads to process it as good, bad or just news.

There is one other thing I know for certain about December 20th though. I'm going to turn the music off in the car before we get to OHSU. I don't need another anchor right now.

What are some of your anchors?

Christmas Season is rolling along here. Parker's teacher hosted a Carols and Cocoa night at her house. We had a blast!

The students at Parkdale are always so kind to Jordan when she visits in the afternoon to pick up the kiddos.

Decorating the tree for the kid's room after a great dinner with a friend.

We had some awesome Parkdale Elves (co-workers from the school one of which is of elf stature) come and decorate the outside and inside of the house. Benton, Parker and Jordan absolutely loved it. It was fun to follow the kids around the house as they found little surprises left behind by the elves.

Benton and Parker reading their notes that the Elves of Parkdale left.