Hitting for the Cycle

When a baseball player has a career day at the plate they hit for the cycle. That is a single, double, triple and a home run all in one game. It is an incredible accomplishment considering hitting a baseball is one of the hardest things to do in professional sports (if you get a hit 30% of the time you are making big bucks as a baseball player). Well, today Jordan hit a cycle for the OHSU billing department. An MRI, an ultrasound, a CT scan and a consult with a Neuro-oncologist all in one day. I’m just waiting on the call from Topps to find out what picture they are going to put on her trading card.

We had an appointment with Jordan’s Neuro-oncologist this afternoon to look at the results of today's MRI. The doctor shared that the tumor has grown and that there is also an increase in swelling around the tumor. Both are causing the symptoms that Jordan is experiencing recently (loss of strength/feeling on the left side of her body). As a result, the doctor is going to reintroduce a drug called Avastin that she has taken previously. It will be taken by an IV next week (along with the continuation of her clinical trial Keytruda). There was some success with Avastin treating the swelling the last time it was used. The danger with Avastin are the side effects from long-term usage. The doctor wants Jordan to take two doses over the next month and then reevaluate with another MRI in March to see if the swelling has gone down. At that time Jordan will also be ready for another dose of Chemo. The doctor is leaning toward another type of Chemo because he feels that the current type is not being effective when looking at the balance of treatment vs. side effects.

As we were wrapping up the appointment the doctor also shared that he wanted to have an ultrasound performed on Jordan’s legs and a CT scan on her lungs to rule out blood clots. Since Jordan’s pulse and blood pressure were high today he decided to have her admitted to the ER to speed up the process. So before our consultation was over we were being escorted to the ER. Jordan was admitted immediately, put through triage and taken to a broom closet to have her tests taken care of. Jordan spent the next seven hours surviving being poked, scanned, IVed, asked a battery of questions, peeing in a cup, watching the Winter Olympics and weathering sarcastic remarks (from me). All of the tests (and sarcasm) came back negative. Luckily we stayed in Portland with friends for the night. We arrived bloodied, tired, stinky and beaten down at the next cairn (as predicted). With only a seven-hour detour to get there.

We haven’t had time to process the news from the doctor yet. I’ve found that news and information takes a few days to really settle in around here. Thank you to everyone that has reached out to us in the last several days with hugs, well wishes, cards, texts, meals and helping to take care of my family. Jordan and I are so thankful.

-Brack

"We'll find a way regardless To make some sense out of this mess"

Jordan has an MRI scan at OHSU and a meeting with the doctor that is coordinating her treatment on Thursday. It is hard to believe that it has been two months since the last time we headed there not knowing what to expect.

Jordan is currently in the middle of a five-day dose of chemo. Which means late night babbling (last night she called me Brooke (hey sister-in-law)) and a few extra bathroom breaks. Jordan has been losing some feeling in her left foot and hand. Her fine motor skills are pretty rough on their own but are especially bad on her left side right now. I like to scratch her right foot, ask her if she can feel it and when she responds yes, I fake scratch her left foot and ask her if she can feel it. I haven't been able to fool her yet but I will keep trying. Jordan's mom and I have been taking turns feeding her most of her meals. Feeding another person is a humbling experience. An exercise in patience and love. Jordan's speech seems to have stabilized over the last few weeks. At night it can be a bit rough and there is a difference for sure during her chemo doses. Jordan isn't experiencing any pain and is still able to rest and sleep well.

Overall we have spent the last two months trying to feel normal. Or maybe I should say making this our new normal. Plugging along the best we can each day. Keeping things simple, focusing on our family, clinging to the little things that are good and occasionally having those difficult conversations.

We might get some good/bad/great news on Thursday. We might get another "see you in two months" speech. We simply don't know. What we do know is that we made it to here.

There is a feature of the Oregon landscape that I never got in the South: the treeline. It occurs around 5000'-6000'. When you are out in the wilderness it just sort of happens. One minute you are in the trees and the next thing you know you aren't. The landscape changes completely in a matter of minutes. A great thing about being below the treeline is that it is usually easy to find which direction to go. A trail is typically cut, sometimes well traveled and in some cases blazed with markings on the trees. You can turn off your brain and just go. However, when you get above the treeline you don't have that luxury. Every direction is open to travel and the best path isn't always apparent. Thankfully there are cairns. Manmade piles of rocks delicately balanced on top of each other that are meant to be landmarks to those traveling along. Using what the barren landscape has given to mark a way for others.

A cairn on the trail to Mt. Defiance in the Gorge.

Such a relief to be able to find the next landmark on the trail.

I first came across these several years ago when I was traversing Mt. Hood on our first visit to Oregon. I quickly learned after wandering off the trail and busting my butt thinking that you could run on hard packed snow (silly southerner) how important these markers are. There is a technique and skill to navigating with cairns. I've found that to be successful it requires patience. It is a process of going from cairn to cairn. When standing at one cairn you have to survey the landscape to find the next one. Once found a straight line is not always the best approach. Sometimes you have to travel a bit and then reaccess all while keeping an eye on where you are going. Also, the right direction to go is usually up or at least over that one crazy looking section of rocks.

The trail is somewhere over there I think.

Of course, the weather doesn't always cooperate. Fog, rain and snow can kill your visibility. Sometimes you leave a cairn without seeing the next one. Before you know it you can't see the one you just left.

Another well-marked trail in Oregon.

It hit me this morning while I was running in the snow with terrible visibility that this is where Jordan and I are in our lives. We are living from MRI to MRI. Cairn to cairn. On Thursday we will stand sweaty, exhausted, beaten and relieved to have made it to the next cairn. It is tough to remember what the cairn we left two months ago looked like. It is even tougher to imagine what lies on the trail ahead. Because the visibility is so damn bad here.

-Brack-

Benton texted me this selfie from our local brewery.

The kids had a babysitter the other night and made her create a board game. These really are Jordan's kids.

I took Parker to the Daddy/Daughter Dance this weekend.

Any day skiing is better than no day skiing. Even if your buff freezes to your beard.

When everyone sleeps in Parker fixes her own breakfast. Goldfish, pepperoni and shredded cheese. Breakfast of champions!

Benton's favorite restaurant is Taco Bell. Good or bad parenting here?

Parker was all smiles after her ski lesson.

Eyes wide open, naked as we came

It has been a lazy Saturday here. Everyone slept in and I was able to wait until the sun (THE SUN!) was peaking through the blinds before I got out of bed. I enjoyed a daylight run and pushing the kids out the door to play outside. Since I was back into sweatpants before noon and had no plans I decided to dig into the Hassell archives. A giant blue Rubbermaid tub that Jordan has drug to all the places we have lived. It is filled with memories. There are actual physical pictures from our youth (not backed up on the cloud), letters from me, weird academic awards, half-ass filled out baby books and newspaper clippings. There are pretty much no contributions in that tub that I physically put in there.

I have a confession to make...

I'm constantly throwing things away. This has been a cat and mouse game that Jordan and I have played all our marriage. She can't find something, she asks me where it is, I act like I don't know (while remembering the exact moment I threw it away) and then I start squirming until she corners me with an interrogation. There have been a few rare times when months later the missing item was located. Jordan never apologizes because I have already falsely confessed. I know why innocent people confess to crimes they never committed. The pressure!

Parker has even taken up Jordan's watchful eye of my special filing cabinet (the garbage can). She is always asking me where her homework (sorry Ms. Welland) and that one picture of an octopus with only seven legs is. To throw her off my trail I usually hide it under the leftovers. I can share my secret with you because she is only five and doesn't read this blog yet.

While I was digging through the archives I pulled out all sorts of odd pictures from the past. If you have only recently met Jordan and I you have missed out on some special haircuts and hair colors (not sharing those pictures). It was fun to relive some of those moments. I spent the afternoon doing my best to put some of the pictures in chronological order. As soon as I started showing them to Jordan she would recall each moment with perfect clarity and suddenly my timeline was falling apart like a criminal about to confess to a crime. We laughed, we cried and we cringed at some of our fashion choices.

Check out the eyebrow ring. Jordan's parents were thrilled!

Baby-faced and mostly innocent.

Where is the beard?

Look at that pre-child glow!

I also pulled a bunch of the letters that I wrote to Jordan out of various envelopes and bags. I've spent most of the day reading through my end of the correspondence that helped to shape our relationship. I've never taken the time to slow down and read these before. My grammar has improved greatly and apparently, my humor pretty much hasn't changed at all in the last fifteen years.

As I started sifting through these innocent confessions of love, happiness and life I realized that everything and nothing has changed. I never could have dreamed when writing those letters that I would be sitting here in this moment (in my green chair) reflecting on the whirlwind of the last fifteen years. Jordan and I have grown so much. We are different in so many great ways since that time. Things in us have been planted, cultivated and grown through our marriage and our relationships with others. We have stripped away some immature things (and desperately clung to others).

I read the words of a young man completely fascinated with someone that could match his wits and keep him on his toes. Promises made with no way of knowing what tomorrow would bring. Confessions of fears and doubts. Logic full of holes. There was one constant in each letter though (besides the incredible humor). The love that was growing stronger with time between two people that were meant to be together. As I sat surrounded by the evidence of our story I realized the way that we are still exactly the same. We are still desperately in love.

I read Jordan one of the letters tonight before she went to bed. We cried a snot-filled sobbing cry. I decided that I'm going to hide this massive pile of letters (not in the garbage) and read one to Jordan each day for the foreseeable future. As a reminder of who we still are.

When Stamps were only 37 cents and gas was less than a dollar a gallon.

"I am one day closer to getting to spend the rest of my life with the most beautiful, smart, funny, insert a word here ______ girl ever. I hope that I never get over the fact that we have each other."

-Brack