Let That Be Enough

I recently read an article about a person's struggle with their cancer diagnosis and treatment decisions. What stuck with me was that with cancer in their lives it felt as if they "were just giving up one damn thing after another". The author explained that treatment comes at a cost and deciding against treatment comes at a cost too. Reading it almost made me feel like there are no right decisions.

I've learned that there is a delicate balance the doctors are taking in treating Jordan's tumor. By delicate balance I mean let's see how much poison they can pump into her body without killing her. They are constantly checking her blood looking for some sign that the chaos inside her body is too much for her to handle. The reports keep coming back good so that means more infusions and more pills. It is crazy what you can talk a desperate couple into thinking is ok when it comes to modern medicine! All for the possibility of some progress.

Last week Jordan completed her last infusion (she can't take more because it causes internal bleeding) that was supposed to alleviate some of her symptoms. Jordan still takes a steroid she has had every day since her surgery in July. It is dangerous to just stop taking it. She is also continuing a clinical trial that she receives by infusion every ten to twelve days which is completely paid for by the company that manufactures the drug (I assure you their hearts are in the right place). What they didn't mention was that getting that drug into Jordan's body cost $185 each time (what was I saying about their cold black hearts?). Yesterday she finished her second real round of chemo. A five-day cycle of just getting her butt handed to her by these four little pills. A pill that robs her of all strength. This week she has struggled to make the three steps from the wheelchair to the bed without her knees buckling. A pill that robs her of all energy. A pill that also robs her of the ability to properly rest. A pill that causes pain in her arms and legs.  A pill that makes it impossible for her to sit up without support. A pill that takes her already battered speech and makes it faint and unrecognizable.

I saw a video this week of Jordan and Benton from five years ago. Jordan was manning the camera and having a conversation with a chubby Benton. I heard a voice that I haven't heard in so long (and it wasn't Benton's voice because the kid never stops talking). It was the voice of a caring and loving mother. One that had little inflections of pride and joy as she interacted with her son. In full honesty, I questioned who it was. Then I was immediately hit with a flood of emotions as I heard the voice that I fell in love with. Playful laughter and this soft soothing tone. Then I turned it off because I couldn't watch it again and possibly hold it together.

Giving up one DAMN thing after another. What's next?

Jordan and I have been crying lots lately at night. One of the times was because we realized we didn't have any more episodes of Stranger Things to watch. The rest of the times were because we just didn't know what else to do. There aren't many words right now that capture what we feel.

As we were crying it out the other night I managed an "I love you" followed by "I don't know what else to say". Jordan responded, "That's enough". Since she kept holding my hand and didn't make me take my crying to the couch I think she meant that was all she needed to hear in that moment. As I thought about that interaction a few days later a chorus from a song I haven't heard in fifteen years popped into my head:

Let me know that you hear me

Let me know your touch

Let me know that you love me

Let that be enough

Hunting for a Christmas tree with Nana and Parker's teacher.

Score!

Decorating cookies at the local town hall.

Benton was thrilled to be wearing a shirt with buttons.

Parker asked Santa for a puzzle and Benton asked for a bb gun.

Decorating the tree!

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