"So This is the New Year. And I Don't Feel Any Different."

The Hassells survived the holidays! A whirlwind of family, playing cards, friends, crashing in hotels, staying up late and trips to the airport. We had a blast and it only took me about eighteen hours of cleaning to get our house back to pre-holiday normalcy. We are spending the last few days of the break basking in the glory of Parkdale. Walking to the post office, staying in pajamas all day and being lazy are the only things on the schedule.

Jordan is getting ready to crank out her next round of Chemo. We have had a few weird transactions with blood draws and transfusions recently. All in the name of learning more about the thyroid (totally underrated), white blood cells, red blood cells and several big words I can't remember right now. I wish the nurses from OHSU could see the confused look on my face when I am on the phone and I say things like "Oh great! Glad that such and such is up from 27 and almost at a 100". We are also in the process of navigating home health care. Juggling a nurse, a bath aid, physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist and trying to find a person to help care for Jordan during the day is a blast. At least they call you six to seven hours before they want to come into your home.

I've been mulling over a blog post for a week or so. Honestly trying to avoid talking about the new year and resolutions. I've never been the type of person to waste the first six to seven days of January to these militaristic pledges. If lots of people are doing something I tend to not do that. Mainly because I'm still a little bit of an angsty teenager. Plus I've already broken my new year's resolution to stop being so handsome.

As I've spent the last few days reflecting on 2017, I also wanted to avoid the bashing. You know the why am I still fat, my job sucks, Greg Allman died, the Star Wars movie wasn't that great and all the normal crap that people blame on the actual year as it passes. Instead, I've been just trying to wrap my head around 2017. When I get deep in thought about it I feel like someone in an action movie that was really close to an explosion. My ears are ringing, I'm disoriented, my clothes are dirty (more than usual) and the things close to me have been blown up.

I asked Jordan today what was the best year of her life and she instantly responded "2016". Jordan just kind of looked at me because she knew what I was going to ask next. "2017" was her easy response for worst year ever. She then said, "sucks that they were right next to each other".

2016 was a wildly awesome year for the Hassells. 2017 was a wildly horrible year for the Hassells. Such stark contrast in a short amount of time. I jokingly asked Jordan what her resolution was for 2018 and she said, "to not die from brain cancer". So don't feel too bad when you eat that entire carton of ice cream at 11:00 PM in a few weeks.

So how should Jordan and I approach 2018 when it looks like it might be another hearty spoonful of 2017 coming our way? My plan is to continue clinging to the good.

I took my kids to get their haircut today. I enjoyed sitting on the other side of the wall and listening to both my kids chat up the complete strangers cutting their hair. Yesterday Benton was eating lunch at the counter with his head in his hands (he stays up late reading) and for a split second, I saw him as a grumpy teenager. It was great! Today Parker took a present that someone left for Benton on his bed and wrote a note that said "Frum Parke-r (r was on another line all by itself)". I mean I would totally do that. I ran this morning and there is nothing like the cold crisp winter air filling your lungs and stinging your face as you get moving. It is a simple reminder that I'm alive. I've been cooking breakfast and sharing meals with my family the last few days. An act that I've always cherished. I've been holding Jordan's hand, kissing her on the forehead and just staring at the woman I fell for long ago. I've also enjoyed saying absurd things and making Jordan laugh. Yesterday I asked Jordan how things would be different if I had never been funny and she said, "well I wouldn't have married you". These are just the things from the last twenty-four hours or so that I have been clinging to.

So my deep hope for 2018 is that I continue to see, recognize and cling dearly to the things that are simple, good and true in my life.

Brack